Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ten Things You Should Know About the Best Dog Ever



  • He loves to swim. He will swim for miles. Behind boats, through rapids, across lakes...miles.
  • He is the perfect size to spoon with, even though he does snore.
  • He loves cats. He raised my cat, Moe, from the time he was a kitten.
  • He needs a blaze orange collar so he can still be seen at night.
  • He prefers Healthy Morsels dogfood made by Purina.
  • He needs to run in wide open spaces.
  • He hates ferrets.
  • He gets way too excited when he plays with other dogs.
  • He likes to prune trees with his teeth.
  • He doesn't bark at strange men, but he does bark at strange dogs.
I lost my dog in my divorce. I had a brush with an old acquaintance tonight that left me thinking about him. I don't want a new dog. I want my dog. For all the horrible things my ex-husband has done to me, taking my dog is the worst.

Monday, September 29, 2008

An Actual Conversation

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

During writing journals in my class I often give the students a prompt to get thinking started. Today I gave the question "If you were an animal what would you be and why?" After the allotted writing time was up I asked several students to share their answers. I got the typical assortment of "I wanna be a cat so I can sleep all day," and "I wanna be a dog so I can bite people," etc... But the best happened just this way:

Me: So Mark, what animal would you want to be?

Mark: I want to be a gorilla.

Me: A gorilla! That's awesome! Why a gorilla?

Mark: So nobody will judge me when I scratch my butt.

Me: (LOUD LAUGHTER)

Out of the mouths of babes..I love my job.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

My Anti- Anniversary


Today is September 25th, 2008. That means I have been divorced exactly one year.


The day I got legally divorced was one of the worst days of my life. I waited patiently most of the day in a freezing courtroom until they called me to the stand. I cried as I read from the divorce paperwork detailing and justifying our separation. He was not there. No one was there. Just me. Afterwords I cried in my car, hard and long. Then I drove immediately to my favorite corner bar and told the bartender all my troubles as he served me martini after martini. Finally a good friend came and paid my tab and drove me home.


Divorcing my husband was the hardest decision I have ever made. Deciding to marry him was easy because I had wanted to be married to him for so many years before we actually decided on it. But I guess I knew it was wrong from the start. He never proposed, just agreed. We had a history of problems through out our relationship. We were very codependent and each enabled the others habits. I hoped being married would change or fix our relationship. I was very wrong.


But for the record, I did love him. For all his faults, and all his bad habits, for many years I loved that man. Even now, thinking about him makes me so sad. For a million reasons it should make me pissed off, angry, irrational, and filled with pure hate. But I just feel a deep and dark sorrow hanging on a hanger at the back of my brain's closet.

I have more to say, but am not sure how. I am having a hard time finding a way to end it...



Why I love The Office


  • Pam
  • Jim
  • Pam and Jim
  • Dwight and Angela
  • Party Planning Committee
  • Finer Things Club
  • Beet farming
  • Alcoholics and gays at work
  • Sing alongs
  • Walking on coals
  • Daryl's lessons to Michael about being black
  • Posters of kittens and babies dressed as adults
  • A proposal in the rain
  • Office supplies encased in jello

Monday, September 22, 2008

Fun Fun Fun


To keep with the spirit of my blog, and to go with the post below I now present to you a list of some of my favorite childhood toys.

1. record player: I played any records I could get a hold of. The first one I wore out was the BeeGee's version of Sgt. Pepper's when I was 7.

2. Lite Brite: Nothing like some black paper and a light bulb to keep me going for hours.

3. Barbie: Though I was horribly jealous of my best friend who had every Barbie everything that had ever been made. I was the most jealous that she had Barbie's little white kitten with the pink collar. It had Velcro paws and came with it's own little scratching post. She didn't even like cats!  She and I spent hours with Barbie though!

4. Freddy: My stuffed penguin

5. dress-up clothes: I still really enjoy wearing costumes whenever possible

6. Operation: I love that noise! Eeennnnhh!

7. Speak and Spell: I just found out that TI still makes a version of this based on the original. Can I have one for Christmas?

8. bubbles

9. Ouija Board: A Satanic staple at any slumber party

10. trees

Simple Pleasures

Today it has been decided in my mind…trampolines are absolutely magic.

My best friend who lived two houses down was the first person in the neighborhood to have a trampoline. It instantly became the center of our suburban teenage world. It served as a hang-out spot, a spot for telling secrets, and a place where it was safe to bring your sleeping bag and escape to any time of night. We jumped in the summer, the winter, in our prom dresses, drunk, sober… but always happy and laughing and feeling the magic. The neighborhood gang still talks about the trampoline though we are all over 30 now.

I remember in college tripping my ass off and watching a friend jump on a trampoline. I swore that the wet green grass swaying to the rhythm of the jump and lit by the street light was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Ok, I was tripping. But it was still magic damnit.

The first year I taught elementary school I remember the day I walked my kids to PE and saw before me the trampoline in the center of the room. One of the coaches spotted me gazing longingly and asked in a soft voice, "Do you want to jump?" "No no no…I have to get back to …(insert some excuse)" "You sure? It's really OK" "Well just for a minute" "YEEEEAAAAHHHH" my class yelled! I loved it, they loved it and now it is understood that Ms. Metz is always invited when the trampoline is in the gym, and that Ms. Metz always mans the trampoline station during field day as well. Again…feeling the magic.

Today I had a trampoline moment that solidified all my beliefs about this nylon and steel circle of joy. Walking into the yard at Jason's family's home I was once again entranced by the sight of a trampoline. I couldn't help myself. I had to jump. I did ask, but as I was asking, I already had one leg thrown over the edge. Jason soon jumped up also, though with a somewhat reluctant look on his face. We jumped and laughed and lay staring through the leaves up at the blue summer sky. That was absolutely the most peaceful and happy I have been in so very long. Magic.

Now go forth and jump.

(An addendum) Not long after I wrote this Jason and I were at his parent's house having a cookout. His grandfather, sister, niece, and I were sitting beside the trampoline while Jason practiced his wrestling moves with his two nephews. During the conversation Grandpa admitted that he had come out by himself and jumped on the trampoline that week. He hurt his back, lay there for about 30 minutes, and told everyone a lie about just pulling his back around the house. But grandpa jumped! I love him for that!

Top 10 Reasons to Drive to Western NY and Back

10. Truck drivers who hold the door for you at every gas station even when you look like shit.

9. Banjo on the radio in West Virginia.

8. Finding out all your long lost Polish relatives like to drink beer and dance as much as you do. (Even had souvenir beer cozies at Grandma's 90th birthday party!)

7. Gas is cheaper in every state between here and there.

6. Crossing water, water, water. (New, Gauley, and Nolichucky rivers; Lake Erie, and Lake Chataqua)

5. Enjoying the flashbacks brought on by the orange florescent in the tunnels through VA and WV.

4. Admiring my cousin's toe ring as she slept with her foot out the window.

3. Coming through the oldest mountain range in the world...and knowing it's your home.

2. Round trip 19 hours with the windows down and the radio way too loud.

1. "Taking life like a big 'ol ri-de..." ---America

Sense of Sense

(originally written June 1, 2008)

Sense Memory. The first lesson I learned in acting class. "Remember a time you felt..." The first lesson I teach my students in narrative writing. Carefully constructing connections from senses to memories.

Society (and here I include myself) puts so much emphasis on the sense of sight, the others are often neglected. The other four senses must be included to round out the picture. Those memories that I have that are strongest are much more related to smell, taste, touch...and sound.

The smell of spearmint gum will forever make me think of my grandfather. He quit smoking when I was born but was always chewing gum. The smell of wet wool brings back vivid memories of my now ex-husband returning from a cold weather canoe trip. Sense memory.

The taste of watermelon transports me to summer in the grass of NY state, surrounded by cousins at grandma's house. And I remember the rave beat of Hairspray in the early 90's when I taste a gin and tonic. Sense memory.

Knowing without opening my eyes which cat is beneath my hand, or thinking of a the future with Jason's hand on my belly, these things are about touch. Sense memory.

But last night it was about sound. It wasn't a song or a laugh. It was a thump. I was hanging out with friends, and their dogs. One of the dogs laid on his side and put his head in my lap, and as I do, I petted his stomach ending with an open hand pat. "thump thump thump" With only that sound in my ear, I suddenly felt as if I couldn't breathe. I haven't seen, smelled, touched, or heard my dog since February 15th. And with that thump all the missing him hit me at once. I lost it. I had to leave. I had to take care of myself. I miss my dog everyday, but last night was worse. Sense memory.

Not Your Ordinary Beauty

I bought the most depressing thing ever yesterday. Have been upset and stressed out which always takes its toll on my skin. So I went to the skin care isle of my local drugstore and came home with one product that treats both acne and wrinkles. Arrrrrrghhhhhh! I truly thought there would be this blessed time in the life of my skin when I could be free of worry. But alas, it is not to be. And so I head to the bathroom to wash my face and enjoy knowing that while the acne comes from stress...the wrinkles come from smiling. So in the spirit of enjoying your age here are 5 good things and 5 bad things about heading towards 40.

The Good...
  • Still getting carded
  • I laugh and shake my head at "youngsters"
  • Getting closer to paying off my student loans
  • Being at my sexual peak
  • Not trying to be cool
The Bad...
  • Everything about my skin is changing
  • Starting to get hammer toes just like my mom
  • Not being 115pounds ever again
  • Bills bills bills
  • It hurts so much more to party now
Enjoy the ride ladies and gentlemen!

The Note

Part of my classroom management duty as a teacher is to collect miscellaneous distractions from my students during lessons. Often those distractions are created from sheets of notebook paper I thoughtfully provide as an attempt to save time in the classroom. These distractions take many shapes, tiny triangular footballs, Freddy fingers, airplanes, fortune-tellers, and the classic..."The Note."

How many times were you terrified when the teacher took that note from your hand, or picked it up after a failed toss, petrified she might read it, or worse, read it out loud. I have a strict policy. I never read notes out loud. Most of the time I put it in my pocket and forget about it until I am peeling the soggy remnants from my washing machine. I do however occasionally reach into my pocket and find a treasure. This week I had that experience. Here is what was written on the small pink piece of paper I remembered was in my pocket at 3:00 today. Two girls with a lot of wisdom...

L: When Kobe fell he got up and looked at me! And when he did other things he got up and looked at me!!!!

D: Aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww Young love, isn't it magical, lovely, and beautiful

L: yes it is all those things

D: OK GROSS but magical

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Mary"s Mixes and Martinis

Tonight is a celebration of Jason being alive for 31 years. The plan...friends, food, and LOTS of alcohol. So the list for today ...

Mary's Top Six Favorite Alcoholic Beverages

  1. Margarita (on the rocks)
  2. Sangria
  3. Vanilla vodka and gingerale
  4. Blonde headed slut (not red headed)
  5. Ice cold IPA
  6. Apple Martini
Glad to share recipes. Enjoy and may you also have a drunken night of fun and love sometime soon!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

An Actual Conversation

student: We love you Mrs. M for teaching us so much!

me: Thanks! I love you guys too! What's one thing you liked learning this year so far?

student: I don't know. I forgot.

Boy Stuff I Don't Understand

Ok, so It's true that this list could truly be infinite, but these are the latest 10 things that have gotten me wondering...

  1. Why are guys so vain about their hair?
  2. Why do they only think it's been a good night of drinking if it ends in vomiting, peeing on something inappropriate, or fist-a-cuffs?
  3. How can they watch tv, read, listen to music, and surf the net all at the same time?
  4. Excessive meat consumption.
  5. Guns.
  6. Army Navy Surplus.
  7. On line gaming.
  8. Picking on you means they care.
  9. Why do they love to watch talking heads arguing on tv about sports, politics, or anything really?
  10. Action figures.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Things I Say Most Days at Work


(It's all about context.)

"Hold those balls in the hallway!"

"Do you want to do lines? You know how to do lines. You've been doing lines for 5 years."

"There are too many buts. You can't start with but."

"Go get the sacred pot."

"Sit!"

"Are you done yet?"

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I Am An Experiential Learner


Things we truly loved as children often have a way of becoming more sacred as we get further from those early years. Since my boyfriend, Jason, and I started dating he has been trying to explain this and have me respect it. Specifically when it comes to his long time loves...super-heroes and wrestling. Comics and TV wrestling were big parts of his childhood and things he never left behind. Through teen angst. Through his 20's drunks, drugs, and divorce. Even now, entering his 30's, new comic book day and Monday night wrestling are weekly highlights.

Being the person I am, sweet and sassy, I will often make sexy little comments about things he is watching or reading or sharing with me. However, I quickly learned that these comments were not well received when directed at Superman or John Morrison. He would always say "Don't sexualize (insert character name)!" My usual response would be to giggle and say "Whatever." But it never stopped me from doing it again, and he never stopped chastising me for it. I just thought he was being silly and overly sensitive. This weekend I had an experience that forever changed my attitude towards his reaction.

Being a child in the 70's and 80's one of my cherished childhood loves was Muppets. I grew up with Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, Fraggle Rock, and The Dark Crystal. Still, 25+years later, I remember many of the skits and songs as if I just turned off the tiny TV with the giant rabbit ears. I won't go into the graphic details of the entire experience, but while fooling around on youtube this boring Saturday afternoon, my boyfriend showed me a video of Kermit. In the video had Kermit the Frog, during a moment of reaction says the word "fuck." I immediately became enraged at the person who had created this abomination! I made Jason stop the video that second. What monster could do this to my beloved childhood icon?! "Jim Henson would never have allowed this!" I screamed.

And then, in the midst of my fit it all became clear. This is what Jason had been trying to say. Kermit was my Superman, my untouchable. So to Jason I say, I know now and apologize for those comments. And to others I say do not underestimate the power of your childhood heart to let loose untold emotions. Now go forth and enjoy something you have neglected far too long...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Mush

My life and thought often seem more chaotic than clear. In one of my many attempts to gain control where I feel I can, I have a real fetish for making lists. And I don't just mean grocery lists or "honey do" lists. the most common form my thoughts take are lists. I don't know what that's about exactly but here is the list of the day.

I love my boyfriend because...

...he hates the ellipse.
  • he always has one shoe untied.
  • he loves me and is never afraid how or where or how often he says it.
  • he makes me feel beautiful even when I have just woken up.
  • he is a snob about lots of things and an asshole about the rest.
  • he makes wildly inappropriate jokes that make me laugh and grimace all at once.
  • he swaps jokes and stories with my dad.
  • he is ok with having too many cats.
  • he watches me watching other things and is often entertained by my reactions.
  • he understands about the little things.
  • he still wears superhero jammies.
  • he likes the presents I pick for him.
  • he lectured me about hot dog brands.
  • he plays the ukulele.
  • he introduces me to his friends.
  • he wants to be close to me even in public.
  • he looks to the future and not the past.
  • he always feels like a deep breath and a smile.

He's mine ladies. (Yes that means you too Tift!)

5 Reasons I Started This Blog

  1. Jason suggested it.
  2. I was bored on a Saturday afternoon.
  3. I love having an outlet for the chattering monkey of my mind.
  4. Making lists is the best way I know to deal with my tendencies toward insanity.
  5. The internet needs one more person putting their random pondering out there.