Friday, October 16, 2009

Three Point Plan

Yesterday, I was married. For the second time. I did not write vows the first time and wished I had. So this time I wrote them and read them so as not to make any mistakes. So as my friends and family and I all sobbed through my reading, I knew I had done the right thing. So for those who couldn't be here, I invite you to share this little moment of the wedding with us.

Because I am a planner, I looked at many hokey wedding websites for advice in writing vows. I answered endless questions about the past, present, and future of my relationship with you trying to figure out what to say. And as I read back over it all there were three things that kept coming up, my holy trinity of sorts. First was that you make me laugh everyday. I need that laughter like I need air and water. Everything negative swirling around me just evaporates when we laugh together. Second was that you make me feel so safe. For so many years, I have not felt safe; physically, emotionally safe. With you I have a home where I feel that safety so completely I can finally relax enough to live a life I can be proud of. Last was that you feel the same way I do about the things that matter most. You understand about loving and spending time with the family you have, and even creating a kind of family amongst friends. You understand and enjoy having a house full of animals. There are so many things that I love about you, so many reasons I want to marry you, but they all seem to come to this...

I promise I will laugh with you every day.

I promise I will always be your home.

I promise I will always be your family.


Friday, September 25, 2009

Others Love Lists Too


In case you didn't know, my sweetheart is a writer. He is a writer who is always looking for more connections, more writing jobs, and more experiences and ideas to write about. One of his latest ventures has been applying for an internship with Dave Egger's publishing company McSweeney's. After Jason answered the "Who is Dave Eggers?" question for me, I became intrigued and picked up a few of his books from around the house and read bit and pieces. My discovery is that I love the McSweeney's anthology books. Why? Becasue they love lists like I do. I'm a little mad that during our discussion, Jason failed to mention that Dave Eggers has such a beautiful head of hair...but I am thankful he introduced me to the books. So my old love of lists and my new love of McSweeney's brings me to give you the following. Lifted affectionately from the book Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans. This list is simple and perfect, especially in light of my career.

Schoolyard Games for Unpopular Children
Greg Knauss

Hide 'n' Be Lonely

Goose, Goose, Goose

Teeter

Unhappy-Go-Round

Kick the Can, Over and Over Again, Angrily

Studio Apartment

Very Easy Tag

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Fighting the Battle of Wounded Knee


I am a danger to myself. Not in the I-can't-take-it anymore-I'm-going-to jump-off-a-cliff way, but a danger none the less. In fact, if there was a cliff involved in my death it would be me tripping on some insignificant speck of dirt and plummeting to the earth below with a muffed "puff" sound at the bottom. Likewise I would never slit my wrist, but might slip with the knife while slicing a squash and bleed to death before anyone came home. I would never hang myself, but I would get fatally tangled in the sheets hanging on the clothesline, slip on the wet grass and strangle myself. All accidental incidents of course. All because I am a klutz. Right now I am sitting on the couch enjoying some RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) on my scabby bruised knee from when I slipped and fell in a parking lot early yesterday. The same leg also has a large scratch from when I scraped my calf on the tag on the front of my car, a chunk out of my ankle from catching it with an unclipped fingernail, and most of the skin missing from the top of m big toe from stubbing it repeatedly. I sprained my opposite knee earlier in the week at the gym and again later that night dancing.

Now you may say I am just feeling sorry for myself because of recent injuries, but let me assure you, this is a reoccurring theme in my life. I was a child always covered in band-aids. As a girl, I knew I was clumsy, but just thought it was because I was newly long-limbed and that as I got older I would become familiar with my limbs in a way that allow me to control them enough to avoid injury and maybe even appear graceful. But alas, it was not to be. I dreamed of dancing and took ballet classes. My teacher actually told me I was the worst she had seen and created a sit-down role in the Nutcracker just for me, a fact which my mother still laughs about. Jason loves to say of his life that he has just gone from one awkward stage to the next. A sentiment I can really identify with.

Sure, everyone is a little clumsy now and again, but I truly believe myself to be unique in both frequency and severity. I would also like to make the point that I do not engage in any purposefully "EXTREME!" activities which cause me to have a higher occurrence of these injuries. As evidence I present the following list of graceless moves.

  • On Mother's day when I was about 11 I was riding my bike slowly and directly in front of my house. I suddenly crashed for no apparent reason in to my little brother standing near by. He did not have a scratch. I had a huge cut under my eye (9 stitches), asphalt burn on my knees and one shoulder, cut and bloodied both lips and was later told that had I not been wearing my braces, I would have lost my 4 front teeth. Not long after, I had to have a root canal on one of the teeth because of the accident. The tooth is still discolored.
  • Playing hide-and-seek in school I was hiding under some cubbies. When I jumped out to reveal myself I went up instead of forward and the coat hook went right into the top of my head. (4 stitches)
  • Crashed into a bike rack trying to park my bike. Flipped over the handle bars and put a bolt into the bottom of my chin. (3 stitches)
  • Flipped over in a tube at Deep Creek and bruised my arm on a rock. It was black from my elbow to my wrist.
  • Dropped a table directly onto my big toe. No stitches, but they had to put on this fake skin/nail stuff because my entire nail came off in the waiting room and they couldn't get it to stop bleeding. You can clearly see this in my wedding photos.
  • Stabbed my palm with a steak knife.
  • Sliced my finger when I broke a glass. Especially fun because the doctor had to use forceps to dig around in my open cut to check for glass before stitching me up. (4 stitches)
  • Slip regularly in the water my dog leaves around his bowl and end up bruised on the kitchen floor. Done it so often I'm starting to get good at it. Last time I slipped I had a full bowl of pasta in my hand and did not spill a single noodle.
  • On the sidewalk outside Scully's I tripped over my own feet and could not recover before diving onto the sidewalk. A car actually stopped to make sure I was alright.
  • Got my foot caught between two risers during a performance of my school chorus and fell between them halfway through a song. Had a bruise from my thigh to my knee. (Another one my mom and dad are still laughing about.)
This is not a complete list of course. There are countless stories my friends and family love to tell of my trips, falls and slides. It does not include the daily head, knee, elbow, and head bumps. And I have not, to date, had any broken bones or overnight hospital stays. (Knock on wood. Of course if I do knock on wood I will surely get a splinter or bruised knuckles.) But I am wondering if there will be a time when I am injury free? Clumsiness is often associated with the young and the old. Where do I fit in? I have to go. My ice pack is melting and my pillow needs fluffing. Wish me luck.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

666 List


Six ways my life has completely changed in the last 6 months.
  • My dog Chili has returned to live with me
  • My ex-husband legal issues are resolved
  • Jason and I made the decision to move back to Asheville
  • Paying household bills on time and paid off one of my loans
  • Thinking about teaching something other than fourth grade
  • Become very close to a great bunch of friends
Six plans for the future.
  • Second marriage
  • First child
  • Becoming a math teacher
  • Moving out of Sylva
  • New-used car
  • Many more road trips with my fella
Six reasons I want to marry Jason.
  • He makes me laugh every day
  • So we can start a family
  • He has stood by me through a LOT of bullshit the past 18 months
  • He understands the most important relationships in my life are with my dog and family and enjoys hanging out with both
  • I deeply believe in our lasting strength as a couple
  • Love love love...I am a hopeless optimist

Monday, April 20, 2009

4-20

I am an ex-stoner. I say "ex" mostly because I am broke, I hang out with a very different crowd now, and because my job does random tests. I have never, and would never, go to work high, and most of the time I don't miss my friend MJ at all.

But damn I miss her in the summertime when the sky is clear and the beer is cold.

When I mentioned to Jason late last night that he should write a blog post about the fact that today was April 20th (4-20) I never thought he'd go for it. He did. But with a totally different point of view on the day than I have. You can read that here. I love this day for a few reasons and just wanted to say so. So...here's my list.
  • It lets me know that it is almost summertime.
  • I know I would not be the person I am today had I not inhaled.
  • It makes me sit up and enjoy the bright green springing to life all around me.
  • It brings to mind memories of other times and places that make me smile.
  • It makes me wish people would realize all who partake are not the same.
  • I love reggae. It is the one music that always makes me shake my ass and forget my troubles.
...and on that note, here's a little something for you. Celebrate this day, and every day!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Countdown to 5:45


I can't sleep tonight. There are many reasons why I guess. But why is it that the more you know you need to sleep, the less you actually sleep. The I-should-haves, I-need tos, what-am-I-going-to-do-abouts, and I-need-to-tell-(insert name)s, are keeping me awake. Now add that to the fact that I am going to a concert I am amazingly excited about tonight and it is a delicious recipe for insomnia. Not even Jason's steady breath and warm body next to me are able to lull me into peace tonight. My eyes keep flicking to the bottom right of my screen to check the little clock and once again do the math in my head about how long it will be before my alarm goes off. I tried reading, but I am at the end of a mystery novel and the mystery is unraveling which of course only keeps me reading on and on. Maybe it is because I took my medicine late. Maybe crazy kitty hour. I woke briefly to the soft tapping of Jason on his ergonomically designed keyboard, and when he came to bed, I was ready to be awake and talk. He promptly passed out. Everyone in my house is now asleep. Cats, dog, man. Yet here I sit, at (eyes flick right) 3:16 type, type, typing away. I keep trying to think of a list to put here tonight, but am uninspired to that end. If I knew how to post songs here for you to listen to I would. The Waifs have a song that perfectly captures the feeling of insomnia for me. It's called "Up All Night." There is also the song "Why Does It Always Rain on Me?"I have no idea who sings it, but Candy put it on a cd for me years ago. It is also about a guy who is awake mulling over his life when he should be asleep. But for now at least you will have to be content with my (eyes flick to the right, 3:22, 2 hours and 23 minutes until my alarm, but my alarm is 5 minutes fast so it's actually 2 hours and 18, 17 minutes until that horrible brain-shattering tone which wakes me) late night ramblings. Ok, I thought of a list. Maybe by thinking of things that put me to sleep I will be calmed and head to bed. So here it is.

Things are (usually) guaranteed to put me to sleep
  • alcohol
  • movies started after 9pm (not in the theater)
  • blanket and couch combo
  • orgasms
  • reading anything
  • snuggling with any of the creatures I live with
  • mid-morning pancake breakfast
  • warm sunshine
  • car rides
Well I am off to bed. Actually feeling a little sleepy having gotten at least this checked off my list instead of composing it in my head while I lie awake.

Sweet dreams to all.