Talking about Music with Nerds

I have been listening to my very old (technologically speaking) iPod a lot lately. I had to order a bright, shiny new white cord. It appears so strange plugged into the scratched and chipped faded green rectangle. There are 1700, more or less, of my very favorite songs from a very specific time and place. Most of the songs came into my life because of him. Some I don't care for at all anymore. I would be fine never listening to Nick Lowe again. I always skip Dinosaur Jr. But lately all I want to listen to is the Hold Steady. That's him. I was on an M Ward kick this morning, Poison Cup, Roller-coaster. That's him. I have been diving back into Drive-by Truckers and listening so much more closely to the lyrics and how they change as the band members get older their lives wind the way they do. I catch snippets of songs in movies and shows and I am always surprised when I think, "Hey! I know that song." That's him. Like a Ship (Without a Sail)...I played about 10 times in a row because I had completely forgotten that song, until I was reminded. How could I forget something so gorgeous? So moving. So uplifting. Call and response, always. That's him. When I need bass its Morphine. When I want drums it's Blues Explosion and Superchunk. (And yes I was so bummed when the drummer left Superchunk.) I play TMBG when I am sad, and it makes me happy. Dancing Pizza Man always makes me want greasy, cheesy, dripping pizza slices.That was him. I want the Flaming Lips played at my funeral. That was him. There are songs that I added the whole album for one song, and I am now listening to the whole album and it changes everything when you listen as a whole, and that line of thinking...That's him. I still have my bluegrass he always abhorred and the grunge he always said was too mainstream to be real grunge. I still have angry girls and thumpy dance sung by pretty men. That's me. 

I listen to almost nothing new. One of the only new(er) songs was him. It's a perfect driving song in the gloaming with the weird pinkish, gold light. He just randomly sent it because he thought it was pretty and knew I'd like it. 

Writing Beatles songs and then playing them too loudly with messy guitars. That's him. 

There are musicians coming to stadiums and event centers that I saw with only 400 people, or maybe 1000, people crammed in a tiny room pressing, jumping, singing. I don't ever want a stadium show. I am forever spoiled on big names in small places. That's him. A life of plus one and sold-out shows. The greatest gift of my life. That's him. I have not been to see live music in years. Maybe 6 or 7 years. Live music was once my most important release and my greatest joy. I miss that with every particle of the dust I am made of. 

Bruce Springsteen is not well. He needs to talk about that. That's him. 

There is no him now. I miss my music friend. I miss someone who understands the importance of air quotes in a concert. He always said he loved watching me watching concerts. Seeing me and knowing, since we were teens. That's him. I miss hearing the phrase, "I think you'll like this," and not being disappointed. I miss arguing and agreeing. I miss the nerd. I miss the judgmental nerd that made me a judgmental nerd. That's him. 

I still spin that single. 

But it don't sound that simple anymore. 

No one talks to me that way anymore. 

Swimming

During the life of this blog, I have written quite a bit about my dog, Chili. I could write pages and pages about the life and adventures we have had together; the ups and downs, the hilarious and horrible, the calm and chaotic. 

Chili is dying. I don't mean that existential, "we are all dying" kind of dying. I mean he is actually dying. A couple of weeks ago he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. We have chosen to not put him through an operation and chemotherapy because of his age and because we believe in quality of life over quantity. Right now he is living the good life. He is eating expensive food. He gets all the treats he wants. He gets a pain pill before bed each night. He sits in the sun when he wants to be outside and sleeps on a pile of dog beds when he wants to be inside. He can still get up and around to eat and go out and wag. He still greets us at the door with a tennis ball in his mouth. But he is dying. The cancer is growing inside of him and shutting him down. We don't know how long it will be. We don't know if he will go fast or slow or if Jason and I will have to make the decision to let him go. But Chili is dying. 

This is a fact that has me worrying and hovering even more than usual, and that's saying something. 

This morning I had a dream. Jason and I were at a big party. This party looked like every college party scene from cheesy movies. There was a two story house with a balcony overlooking a swimming pool and people packed in everywhere around the pool, in the yard, in the house. I was on the balcony looking down. Chili was with us there and was going around to everyone at the party, getting petted and loved. He was even larger in the dream than he is in real life. More like actual Great Dane size. Anyway, I was watching him from the balcony as he moved through the crowd. I turned away for a minute and when I looked back down I saw he had jumped in and was swimming in the pool. He is a Labrador and has always been a great swimmer. I turned away again and when I looked a second time, I saw him under the water. I watched, waiting, but he did not come back up. I ran down to the pool and jumped in at the same time someone else jumped in to help. I was under the water and the two of us were trying to lift Chili off the bottom of the pool. I remember Chili's eyes being open and looking at me. I remember screaming at the other person to LIFT! I grabbed Chili with both of my arms, under his body and swam with him to the top. I walked out of the pool with him still in my arms. When I looked at him, he was perfectly fine. Alive. Panting, but not coughing up water at all. just sitting in my arms as if nothing had happened as I walked back though the crowd before waking up out of the dream...

When I woke up I could not shake the dream. I thought about how terrified I was seeing Chili under the water. My arms were sore from my body reacting to desperately trying to lift him in my mind. I was describing it all to Jason as he held me close, and then I started to cry. I realized, I can't save him in real life. I realized that he is not going to get better. I realized I can't pull him out of this. And I cried. 

It comes in waves. Most days I put on a happy face because Jason says that's the thing to do rather than being upset around Chili. Dogs pick up on emotions pretty easily. I watch him and worry about him, but I also work to make sure he is comfortable and happy. I have no fucking idea what I will do when my dog is gone. But for now, we are both just swimming. 


Because this is a blog of lists what follows is a list of some of Chili's favorite places to swim. 

• Nantahala River
• Tuckasegee River
• Lake Junaluska
• Fontana Lake
• Oconaluftee River
• Bear Lake
• Santeelah Lake
• Chautauqua Lake

A Healing Place

It has been a long time since I have been here to my little blog, a long time since I have written about myself and for myself and felt the need to share it with the known world. However right this minute, I need to do just that. 

I have been in and out of therapy with a variety of therapists for about 10 years. I have taken medicines and rubbed essential oils, lost and gained weight, changed careers many other things trying to regulate my moods and my energy and stabilize my general health and state of mind. A few years ago it was suggested that I might benefit from a stay at an inpatient facility. I thought about it, but put it at the very bottom of my list of priorities. After all, I had way too many other people to take care of and too many other responsibilities to walk out of my life for 30 days. 

Last November, that suggestion became a necessity. 

My amazing friends and family rallied around me. My workplace and co-workers made sure I had the time, and away I went, deep into the forest of Florida. 

I cannot possibly explain all the ways this experience changed my life for better...and for worse. But tonight, as another piece of exquisitely shiny mica is chipped off the granite of my foundation, I have to speak out about the truth that is my experience with inpatient mental health treatment. 

True to my mind's preferred way of teasing out the complicated thoughts and feelings that push and shove each other around in there, I have made a list. I have written two lists actually, which speak to my messy and confusing experience during my search for healing.  

Each person's experience with this kind of care is different. I understand that. So I share this information knowing it may not be understood or embraced. Nonetheless, like me, it is here. 

THE HEALING:

• For the very first time, I felt like I was not alone or unique in my unhealthy thoughts and feelings. This was truly a revelation which immediately began to bring peace and hope to every circuit of my brain and every string of my heart. 
• I gained a much deeper understanding of how I became who I am and how I can reclaim a truer, happier, healthier self. 
• I began to let go of shame which has controlled my every decision and subsequent actions for most of my life, and live in a whole-hearted way. 
• Creativity returned to my life as a powerful tool for self-expression, self-confidence,  and self-care. 
• Under the shiny leaves of an ancient magnolia and from thumbnail moon to thumbnail moon I felt reconnected to the Universe, to the God of my understanding. I laid in the dark with my skin to the grass and dirt. I stretched my arms and face to the sky and stars. I bathed in the smoke of burning sage. I once again felt the power and love of knowing I am a child of the Universe, truly made of elements, of star stuff. 
• I was able to save important relationships and come home to loved ones.

THE WOUNDING: 

• Wounds laid open, literally. Seeing young, smart, beautiful girls from all walks of life scarred with the marks of negative feelings so deeply rooted the only choice was to slice them out.
• Unimaginable horror listening to all the ways human beings can hurt one another. Women and men being splintered into the tiniest pieces by other people resulting in bottomless self-hate and fear. 
• Leaving support behind. Having created trust and hope among people who trust no one and never dare to hope, you promptly leave those people and are tossed back out into a world of unknowns. While many of those people are close in theory, keeping in touch by Facebook or email or phone, the day to day, face to face, immediacy of truly meaningful interaction is gone. It is hours and hours away in every possible direction. 
• News that someone has relapsed. News that someone wants to die. News that someone tried to die. News that someone succeeded. 
• Bills left unpaid because of time out of work. Medical debt which will take me many many years to get under control, and refusal by immoral health insurance providers to help in any way.

I am truly thankful for the once in a lifetime opportunity provided to me. I am truly proud of myself for the work I did while I was there and am continuing to do for myself and for others. 

Most days it is that healing that has my attention, but today, today my thoughts are of the wars being waged. Today I miss my people so badly I can hardly breathe. 

Westward Adventure Flora Lists

(July 2013)
Wildflowers Identified

Lupine

Monkey flower

Mountain pride (Newberry's Penstemon)

Thistle

Milkweed

Cow parsnip

Snow plant

Yosemite aster

Columbine

Indian Paintbrush

Cacti Identified

Cane cholla cactus 

Purple prickly pear

Reframing

(originally written January 15, 2011)

I have been told by many people lately that...

• I need look on the bright side
• It isn't all bad
• It  will all be ooookaaaayyyy
• I should be thankful for what I have
• Focus on the good

You get the gist...I guess I have been kind of whiney this month...ok...year. So to all those who encourage me to stay positive I present a list of awesome events from 2011 (in no particular order.)

1. The litter of Labrador puppies across the street all came running across the yard towards me. My heart actually hurts thinking about it because they were so sweet.
2. Saw my brother and there was no drama.
3. Reconnecting with old friends and lost loves.
4. Reading some amazing books, my favorite being The Tiger's Wife.
5. Saw all the Oscar movies before the Oscars.
6. Seeing Chris Cornell

Just Plain Lucille

While going through my email today I came across the list of names my (insert adjective of choice) husband had sent to me when we were trying to pick a name for our new black female puppy. We decided on just plain Lucille. Which is really not plain at all and is the perfect name for her. Here are his suggested names

• Michelle Obarka
• Lt. Ohura
• Karen Barkenter
• Blackie Joyner-Kersey
• Joan Harris

 

A Random List of Things I Was Reminded That I Love Yesterday

1. Taylor Kitsch
2. Christopher Nolan's Batman Movies
3. $1 Sweet Tea from McDonalds
4. Laughing about things my husband says and does
5. Spring at the baseball park
6. Full moons

Stars on 45s

Photo by Brandywine Photography

I have been a longtime fan of pin-up style fashion and photography. My friend Leanna has recently started a business photographing pin-ups, and I was lucky enough to be one of her first models. Since I was so excited about it all, I have been trying to help out where I can. Most recently that included browsing my parents' house for "vintage" stuff that could be used as props in future shoots. I had seen the photo to the right on a pin-up photography site and loved it so much that I thought I could try to recreate it. I have an old record player, all I needed was the forty-fives. My mom spoke up and said, "We've got some old 45's you can have." YES! So we headed to the 5 or 6 milk crates that now contain my parents' much narrowed down record collection, to look for them. I was totally surprised when I saw that the majority of these 45s were mine! How had they survived all this time?! Mom and I laughed and sang as we looked through the stack. She kept a few John Lennon ones that she couldn't part with, and sent the rest home with me. What follows is a list of the 45's in that stack. Enjoy!

Mine:

• "Jungle Love" Morris Day and The Time
• "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" Elton John
• "I'm Satisfied" BeeGees
• "Conga" Miami Sound Machine
• "Africa" Toto
• "Saving All My Love for You" Whitney Houston
• "Ebony and Ivory" Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
• "Harlem Shuffle" Rolling Stones
• "Count Me Out" New Edition
• "Sharing the Night Together" Dr. Hook
• "Copacabana" Barry Manilow
• "Walk Like an Egyptian" Bangles (2 copies)
• "When Doves Cry" Prince
• "King Tut" Steve Martin
• "Beat It" Michael Jackson
• "We Are Family" Sister Sledge
• "Shame on the Moon" Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
• "The Girl Is Mine" Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney
• "Ghostbusters" Ray Parker Jr.
• "Who's Zoomin' Who" Aretha Franklin
• "Unchain My Heart" Joe Cocker
• "Chicken Soup with Rice" Carole King
• "Georgie and the Noisy Ghost" a Robert Bright story read by George Rose

Not mine (that I did not remember singing to in my room anyway):

• "White Christmas" Clyde McPhatter and the Drifters
• "Nobody Does it Better" Carly Simon
• "Shout" Joey Dee and the Starlighters
• "This Is It" Melba Moore
• "Here You Come Again" Dolly Parton
• "Stars on 45 Get Ready Volume III" Stars On 45 (Both sides are more than 7 min long each)
• "The Gambler" Kenny Rogers
• "She Believes in Me" Kenny Rogers

What Not to Write on a Child's Report Card

Last week, while my parents were putting away Christmas decorations, they came across a box, shoved to the back of a shelf,  which contained what my dad would call "memorabilia" and my mom would call "crap."Amongst these treasures were some things that they saw fit to send to my house to live, the bulk of which was a collection of schoolwork and report cards from several grades. The list of comments that follow are all quoted directly from my first grade report card, the 1980-81 school year.I was really wanting to write a whole rant about each of these comments. They really made me upset when I started looking at them. I called my father and while I yelled and cried he laughed...saying this teacher and my mom, Sue, never really saw eye to eye. Am I crazy or are some of these comments really inappropriate?! Now I know our education system has changed a lot. I know that if I as a 2012 teacher put a student's desk out in the hall and closed the door like my 5th grade teacher to me, that I would be fired. But still...

• "She is such a delight when she is absorbed in what we're doing, but she has very little self discipline when it's a less pleasurable task."
• "Sue, You asked not long ago how different J. was from the other classmates? I conclude, very different! She thinks beautifully and has great ability, but public school will possibly be increasingly difficult for her style."
• "I told Dale that Jessica either wore me down or she's changed because I have really enjoyed her this last nine weeks."
• "If I've prepared her in any way for next year, it's been worth our struggles."
• "She has taught me a lot and I feel privileged for the experience."
• "I look for her to be something great someday."
• "For the flowers, the candy, the party stuff, and your constant support, I've never felt so special."
• "Please call me at anytime in her school career if you need me."

 Here is the punchline...a few days ago a fellow teacher told me that one of her Facebook friends recognized my name and knew me from Randolph County. She said that she knew my dad also so I just figured it was someone who knew my dad, as everyone in NC public school system seems to. But my friend kept emphasizing the fact that the woman said she knew ME. As soon as she said the woman's name...I knew. It was the teacher who had written these comments 30 years ago. She still remembered me...and no wonder, right?! Now the last comment she put was to call her any time. She's living here in the mountains now. Think she'd be up for a student/teacher conference? I have some questions for her.

A Long Drive Home

On my drive home from Greensboro today I got really frustrated hitting the "scan" button on my stereo. Ordinarily surfing the radio stations is one of my favorite parts of the trip between the mountains and the Piedmont, but today it was a complete bust. My radio offered up to me bad classic rock, random cute girl singing dance music, several styles of religious songs, and lots and lots of modern country. Bah! Blah! Grrrr!

So I slowed down a bit and while I had my left hand on the wheel I started rifling through my car's various cubby holes for my iPod and its adapter. Several swerves later, I hit "shuffle songs" and waited for my own personal favorites to start. As usual, it did not disappoint. Even though there are thousands of songs on my iPod, it always seems to be able to tap into my psyche and play exactly the right song in the moment. What follows is a list of song lyrics that came on my iPod on the trip. Lyrics that resonated with me today from songs that randomly came through the speakers at me on this sunny drive home.

• "The laws of man don't apply when blood gets in a woman's eye."
• "Now I like nothing better than a pretty girl smile and I haven't seen a smile that pretty in a while."
• "Well her husband he's a violent man a very violent and jealous man. Now I have to leave this town. I got to leave while I still can.
• "Why you act frightened? I am enlightened."
• "But for now we are young. Let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see."
• "To what you wanted to see good has made you blind, and what you wanted to be yours has made it mine."
• "Don't trade your love and goodness for the golden machine."
• "It's the fear that you know, but you gotta let go."
• "Lost in fog and love and faithless fear, I've had kisses that make Judas seem sincere."
• "What the hell am I trying to say?"
• "Glad I have the scrapes to prove it was me who fell."

How many do you recognize? Clue? Six of the eleven I have seen in concert sometime in the past 20 years...and a seventh I have tickets to see next month.

Even Cowgirls Get the Rhythm and Blues

Another amazing year of live music is ending. Going to see bands live is truly one of my greatest joys and I am so thankful to my husband who always seems to come through with the tickets I desire most. Thanks honey for making many of these shows possible. Here is a list of shows I saw this year.

1. Kenny Rogers (meet and greet after too) February 11.
2. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings (Reigning Sound opened) March 13.
3. Chris Cornell (favorite concert of the year) April 6.
4. Fitz and the Tantrums (April Smith and the Great Picture Show opened) April 11.
5. Freight Hoppers, April 23.
6. Stone Temple Pilots, April 23.
7. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, May 9.
8. Al Jardine (of The Beach Boys, and went to the meet and greet after) July 9.
9. Glaze (Decline of WNC) July 26.
10. Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings, August 6.
11. Dreamers of the Ghetto (at Hopscotch Festival) September 10.
12. Superchunk (at Hopscotch Festival) September 10.
13. The Flaming Lips (at Hopscotch Festival, most mind melting show of the year)September 10.
14. Fitz and the Tantrums ( Walk the Moon opened) November 3.
15. Nice Guys Help Club, November 11.
16. Eccentric Soul Review (Ronaldo Domino, The Notations, Syl Johnson) November 19.

Happy/ Sad

A lifetime ago, when I was about 21 years old I met a boy, barely 18, who had a little crush on me. He did many sweet things to woo me. Not the least of which involved a 6 hour round trip drive to buy me a t-shirt. We went on a few dates in his red station wagon, to movies, for coffee. He had a band that I used to enjoy going to see at 31 Patton and Vincent's Ear. But my favorite thing this sweet boy did was to make a mixed tape for me to enjoy. I kept that mixed tape for many years. Through boyfriends, cars, cd players, spills, crunches...The case and cover was destroyed long before the tape. I remember the insert. One side was a page from a comic book. The other had the bands written in his lefty scrawl. On the actual tape were written only two words. On side A was written "happy." On side B was written "sad." That boy is now my husband...and as luck would have it, every once in a while when he is listening to music in his office I will run in there and exclaim..."This song was on that mixed tape you made for me!" The list is the songs I have recognized so far.Today is our one year anniversary. Crazy to think it's been a year already. Anyway, in celebration, here's a little something. A partial playlist...

• Hot Freaks--- Guided by Voices
• Sweat--- Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
• Carla the Stripper--- Presidents of the United States
• Do You Believe in Magic?--- Lovin' Spoonful
• Blues Explosion Man ---Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
• Puffin' on a Pot Pipe--- Lou Barlow (and Friends)
• Soul and Fire--- Sebadoh
• I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More Baby---Barry White
• Echos Myron---Guided by Voices
• I Am So Into You---Shutter to Think
• Driveway to Driveway---Superchunk
• My Valuable Hunting Knife---Guided by Voices

Pissed Off About Being Pissed On

I put my cat, Frank, out today. That was about 5 hours ago and now it's raining and the guilt is setting in. I went down in the basement to do laundry and the cat was just hiding in the bushes and would not come into the basement despite the rain. He was meowing constantly and even now I can hear him out there. I just can't take his pissing any more. I don't know what else to do. I have tried many products that claim to eliminate or change smells so that the cat will no longer pee there. I have kept clean litter boxes. I have rubbed his nose in it and yelled. He just keeps peeing on any and everything. Today, I was gone for 30 minutes and he pissed all over my new sofa. When I say all over, I mean he apparently perched on the top/back of the sofa and pissed so that it ran down the back cushions onto the seat cushion and then splattered as he jumped off the cushions and onto the arm making sure to leave splashes and drips. That was him laying the final straw across this camel's back. I rubbed his nose in it, yelled, and tossed him out. The more I thought about it, as I cleaned my new sofa, the madder I got. And as I worked I began to catalog all the things he has pissed on over the past couple of years, many of which could not be washed and had to simply be thrown away. A blog I like cataloged all the inappropriate things her dog had eaten in his lifetime after his untimely death by eating the wrong thing. I honestly hope it does not come to that. I have food and water on the porch, and come winter I guess I will reexamine my resolve, but for now he is an outdoor animal.

Things Frank has damaged/ ruined by pissing on them in the past few years:

• My new sofa
• My old sofa
• 2 upholstered chairs (one of which had to be thrown away)
• 2 suitcases
• any pile of clothes left for more than an hour on the bathroom floor
• plastic grocery bags left on the floor
• many pieces of paper (including student work, bills, legal documents, etc) which he knocked of my desk or the kitchen table then pissed on
  
• old comforter
• new comforter
• bed left with no comforter
• his favorite carpet spots in the living room over and over and over
  
• in the fire place ashes
• in the kindling box
• all over the bottom shelf of my antique bookshelf which ruined all the books on that shelf and damaged the wood on the bookcase
• in the laundry basket
• my purse left on the table
• book bags left on the floor
  

I am sure I am forgetting something, but please tell me you understand. I just can't deal with this another minute. I don't want him dead. I don't want him gone. I just want him outside where he can no longer ruin my home or the things in it.

(As a side note, it has long been suspected that since I rescued the cat from an ex-boyfriend's house that he is some sort of automaton sent to my house to reek havoc on the lives of my husband and me. Something to consider anyway. )

A Change Is Gonna Come

Today's list is prompted by seeing something that really struck me as amazing. As local residents of Sylva and surrounding areas know, our town is building a new library. They are incorporating the old courthouse into a new complex that is truly going to be beautiful upon completion. The old historic courthouse is a landmark in our town. I once heard it said that it was the most photographed courthouse in NC and I believe it. As part of the building project the crown jewel of the building, the clock tower topped with Lady Justice, is to be removed and restored. After mentioning to my mom and dad that the clock tower steeple had been taken off the courthouse top, they wanted to drive by and see it. To those of us used to seeing it every day, it is quite a shock to see the courthouse without its crown. We drove up to where the construction is going on at the back of the building, and there in the dust of new construction sat the tower. Wow! It was as if I was walking up to Lady Liberty's torch lying on the Boardwalk. I ignored the signs, and walked up to take a closer look, and a few photos. I don't know why this made such an impression on me. Was it because I was so used to seeing this against blue sky and now it lay in the dirt? Was it because it was just so close? Was it because it is another event to remind me of the many changes my little town has been through and continues to go through? So as tonight's list I offer you change...ten of them in fact.

Ten Changes Sylva NC Has Gone Through In The Past Ten Years

1. We no longer have Fourth of July fireworks at the courthouse. When I moved here, this was my favorite part about Sylva. How Main Street shut down, people lay in the street on blankets, and watched an impressive fireworks display on the steps of the courthouse which made the courthouse even more beautiful.
2. With the exception of Lulu's, O'Malley's and Spring Street, every restaurant in town is something different then when I moved here.
   
3. Only one video rental store in town instead of two.
   
4. Lowe's and Sonic moved in and Goody's moved out.
5. Bright blinky sign in front of Smoky Mountain High School.
   
6. Extra stop light by the hospital.
7. Vet and doctor have new buildings.
8. No more teacher's night at City Lights.
9. Two drive through beer stops instead of one.
10. My first apartment burned down.

I know change is inevitable, but sometimes I wish it would slow down a bit. These little changes in my town reflect the millions of little changes that happen to me and all of us every minute, every day, every year....you get the idea. So be amazed by the little things. Let the change awe you. Pay attention every day.

Labradors Only Please

As most of you know, I have a new yellow Labrador retriever puppy. I also have my dog Chili who is a black lab. I have realized in the past few days with my new puppy that I am officially breed loyal. I really like lots of breeds of dogs, but I don't ever want to own anything but a lab. I always saw those people who have the t-shirt, bumper stickers, figurines, purses, etc...and 3 or 4 of the particular breed in tow. I just thought they were nutty. I am now in danger of becoming that person. I have t-shirts, refrigerator magnets, Christmas ornaments, bumper stickers, and two of the breed in tow...and I am really OK with that. Anywho, while shopping for more Labrador stuff I came across a t-shirt with this list and thought it was one worthy of my blog o' lists. So here I present to you:

Labrador Retriever Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
4. If I take it away from you, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours.
   
6. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
7. If I saw it first, it's mine.
8. If it's edible, it's mine.
   
9. If you have something and put it down, it's mine.
10. If I chew up something, all the pieces are mine.
11. If I get tired of it, it's yours.
    
12. If I want it back, it's mine.
    

Anyone who has known a lab knows how true this is, from puppy to senior. I am having to negotiate fair toy play so that these laws are still adhered to. As a matter of fact, I need to go. There is chewing happening, lots of chewing, on things that used to be mine.

Didn't Your Parents Sing That One to You?

Long story short, my parents, along with my grandmother, were in a very bad car wreck a few days ago. Whoa whoa slow down... before you panic or start offering condolences, let me tell you that everyone is fine. No one even went to the hospital, though Granny declined the ride in the fire truck so she could ride behind the cage in the police car. Lots of winter clothes, good seat belts, Granny's force field, etc. all played a roll in the three escaping literally without a scratch. My point I guess is that regardless of who or what any of us believe saved these people so very dear to me, I am thankful that they are now home and safe. So here I offer a list of a few reasons why I love my parents. Lame, but I have to express my thankfulness in some way, and since I am not a particularly religious person, I send these thanks out to the universe at large (aka the Internet).

• As the title suggests, my parents made up songs. These are songs the whole family would sing and laugh and even make up hand motions for sometimes. These were songs I thought everyone knew, but I was mistaken. Many times in my life, as a child and as an adult, I have started singing one of these songs thinking that they were general knowledge, only to find that I was singing long, loud choruses by myself as others stared silently with wondering looks on their faces.
• I have never doubted, even once, ever, that my parents loved me. Even during the years when my dad would have referee fights between my mother and me, I knew. Even when my father was mad and looked "frog eye" style at me while crushing my hand, I knew. Even when I hid in the barn because I was convinced I had killed my brother, I knew. Even when I showed up in the middle of the night and could not stop crying for hours, I knew they would not care I had waken them up. I know there are children who truly doubt or question how their parents feel about them, but I don't. Never.
• They always allowed pets. Rabbit Redford to Goldie. Skooterpie to Pepper. They laughed and cried with my brother and me through every pet we had as kids...and there were lots.
  
• My parents have an amazing marriage. A marriage that has survived ups and downs and is full of love and laughter and life. I have always held their relationship up as an example of what I hope mine would be. Now I am married to a man who is so much like my dad that it scares me sometimes. They say every girl wants to marry a man like her father (and I am a lot like my mom), but I think for me it is more an homage to both my parents, to their relationship and my faith in what marriage can be that I learned from watching them.
• My parents took us places. As far back as I can remember I have been traveling with my family. Being a teacher now, and coming into contact with so many children I am learning more and more that the sheer amount of travel we did, and still do, is not the usual. From visiting family out of state, to traveling to state and local parks, to traveling across America...my parents took Aaron and me places.
• They decided to adopt. My brother rocks. Enough said.

There are truly a million reasons, but these are a few that I think make my parents stand out. Maybe someday I'll be a parent, and maybe I won't. I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that I see the influences of their parenting is so many things my brother and I do every day. So to the universe, to the powers that be, to whatever cosmic force (or farce) paired my little life with Dale and Sue Metz, I say thanks. LOVE LOVE LOVE

Three Point Plan

Yesterday, I was married. For the second time. I did not write vows the first time and wished I had. So this time I wrote them and read them so as not to make any mistakes. So as my friends and family and I all sobbed through my reading, I knew I had done the right thing. So for those who couldn't be here, I invite you to share this little moment of the wedding with us.

Because I am a planner, I looked at many hokey wedding websites for advice in writing vows. I answered endless questions about the past, present, and future of my relationship with you trying to figure out what to say. And as I read back over it all there were three things that kept coming up, my holy trinity of sorts. First was that you make me laugh everyday. I need that laughter like I need air and water. Everything negative swirling around me just evaporates when we laugh together. Second was that you make me feel so safe. For so many years, I have not felt safe; physically, emotionally safe. With you I have a home where I feel that safety so completely I can finally relax enough to live a life I can be proud of. Last was that you feel the same way I do about the things that matter most. You understand about loving and spending time with the family you have, and even creating a kind of family amongst friends. You understand and enjoy having a house full of animals. There are so many things that I love about you, so many reasons I want to marry you, but they all seem to come to this...

I promise I will laugh with you every day.

I promise I will always be your home.

I promise I will always be your family.

Others Love Lists Too

In case you didn't know, my sweetheart is a writer. He is a writer who is always looking for more connections, more writing jobs, and more experiences and ideas to write about. One of his latest ventures has been applying for an internship with Dave Egger's publishing company McSweeney's. After Jason answered the "Who is Dave Eggers?" question for me, I became intrigued and picked up a few of his books from around the house and read bit and pieces. My discovery is that I love the McSweeney's anthology books. Why? Becasue they love lists like I do. I'm a little mad that during our discussion, Jason failed to mention that Dave Eggers has such a beautiful head of hair...but I am thankful he introduced me to the books. So my old love of lists and my new love of McSweeney's brings me to give you the following. Lifted affectionately from the book Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans. This list is simple and perfect, especially in light of my career.

Schoolyard Games for Unpopular Children
Greg Knauss

Hide 'n' Be Lonely

Goose, Goose, Goose

Teeter

Unhappy-Go-Round

Kick the Can, Over and Over Again, Angrily

Studio Apartment

Very Easy Tag

Fighting the Battle of Wounded Knee

I am a danger to myself. Not in the I-can't-take-it anymore-I'm-going-to jump-off-a-cliff way, but a danger none the less. In fact, if there was a cliff involved in my death it would be me tripping on some insignificant speck of dirt and plummeting to the earth below with a muffed "puff" sound at the bottom. Likewise I would never slit my wrist, but might slip with the knife while slicing a squash and bleed to death before anyone came home. I would never hang myself, but I would get fatally tangled in the sheets hanging on the clothesline, slip on the wet grass and strangle myself. All accidental incidents of course. All because I am a klutz. Right now I am sitting on the couch enjoying some RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) on my scabby bruised knee from when I slipped and fell in a parking lot early yesterday. The same leg also has a large scratch from when I scraped my calf on the tag on the front of my car, a chunk out of my ankle from catching it with an unclipped fingernail, and most of the skin missing from the top of m big toe from stubbing it repeatedly. I sprained my opposite knee earlier in the week at the gym and again later that night dancing.

Now you may say I am just feeling sorry for myself because of recent injuries, but let me assure you, this is a reoccurring theme in my life. I was a child always covered in band-aids. As a girl, I knew I was clumsy, but just thought it was because I was newly long-limbed and that as I got older I would become familiar with my limbs in a way that allow me to control them enough to avoid injury and maybe even appear graceful. But alas, it was not to be. I dreamed of dancing and took ballet classes. My teacher actually told me I was the worst she had seen and created a sit-down role in the Nutcracker just for me, a fact which my mother still laughs about. Jason loves to say of his life that he has just gone from one awkward stage to the next. A sentiment I can really identify with.

Sure, everyone is a little clumsy now and again, but I truly believe myself to be unique in both frequency and severity. I would also like to make the point that I do not engage in any purposefully "EXTREME!" activities which cause me to have a higher occurrence of these injuries. As evidence I present the following list of graceless moves.

• On Mother's day when I was about 11 I was riding my bike slowly and directly in front of my house. I suddenly crashed for no apparent reason in to my little brother standing near by. He did not have a scratch. I had a huge cut under my eye (9 stitches), asphalt burn on my knees and one shoulder, cut and bloodied both lips and was later told that had I not been wearing my braces, I would have lost my 4 front teeth. Not long after, I had to have a root canal on one of the teeth because of the accident. The tooth is still discolored.
  
• Playing hide-and-seek in school I was hiding under some cubbies. When I jumped out to reveal myself I went up instead of forward and the coat hook went right into the top of my head. (4 stitches)
• Crashed into a bike rack trying to park my bike. Flipped over the handle bars and put a bolt into the bottom of my chin. (3 stitches)
• Flipped over in a tube at Deep Creek and bruised my arm on a rock. It was black from my elbow to my wrist.
• Dropped a table directly onto my big toe. No stitches, but they had to put on this fake skin/nail stuff because my entire nail came off in the waiting room and they couldn't get it to stop bleeding. You can clearly see this in my wedding photos.
  
• Stabbed my palm with a steak knife.
• Sliced my finger when I broke a glass. Especially fun because the doctor had to use forceps to dig around in my open cut to check for glass before stitching me up. (4 stitches)
  
• Slip regularly in the water my dog leaves around his bowl and end up bruised on the kitchen floor. Done it so often I'm starting to get good at it. Last time I slipped I had a full bowl of pasta in my hand and did not spill a single noodle.
• On the sidewalk outside Scully's I tripped over my own feet and could not recover before diving onto the sidewalk. A car actually stopped to make sure I was alright.
• Got my foot caught between two risers during a performance of my school chorus and fell between them halfway through a song. Had a bruise from my thigh to my knee. (Another one my mom and dad are still laughing about.)
  

This is not a complete list of course. There are countless stories my friends and family love to tell of my trips, falls and slides. It does not include the daily head, knee, elbow, and head bumps. And I have not, to date, had any broken bones or overnight hospital stays. (Knock on wood. Of course if I do knock on wood I will surely get a splinter or bruised knuckles.) But I am wondering if there will be a time when I am injury free? Clumsiness is often associated with the young and the old. Where do I fit in? I have to go. My ice pack is melting and my pillow needs fluffing. Wish me luck.

666 List

Six ways my life has completely changed in the last 6 months.

• My dog Chili has returned to live with me
• My ex-husband legal issues are resolved
• Jason and I made the decision to move back to Asheville
• Paying household bills on time and paid off one of my loans
• Thinking about teaching something other than fourth grade
• Become very close to a great bunch of friends

Six plans for the future.

• Second marriage
• First child
• Becoming a math teacher
• Moving out of Sylva
• New-used car
• Many more road trips with my fella

Six reasons I want to marry Jason.

• He makes me laugh every day
• So we can start a family
• He has stood by me through a LOT of bullshit the past 18 months
• He understands the most important relationships in my life are with my dog and family and enjoys hanging out with both
• I deeply believe in our lasting strength as a couple
• Love love love...I am a hopeless optimist