Pissed Off About Being Pissed On

I put my cat, Frank, out today. That was about 5 hours ago and now it's raining and the guilt is setting in. I went down in the basement to do laundry and the cat was just hiding in the bushes and would not come into the basement despite the rain. He was meowing constantly and even now I can hear him out there. I just can't take his pissing any more. I don't know what else to do. I have tried many products that claim to eliminate or change smells so that the cat will no longer pee there. I have kept clean litter boxes. I have rubbed his nose in it and yelled. He just keeps peeing on any and everything. Today, I was gone for 30 minutes and he pissed all over my new sofa. When I say all over, I mean he apparently perched on the top/back of the sofa and pissed so that it ran down the back cushions onto the seat cushion and then splattered as he jumped off the cushions and onto the arm making sure to leave splashes and drips. That was him laying the final straw across this camel's back. I rubbed his nose in it, yelled, and tossed him out. The more I thought about it, as I cleaned my new sofa, the madder I got. And as I worked I began to catalog all the things he has pissed on over the past couple of years, many of which could not be washed and had to simply be thrown away. A blog I like cataloged all the inappropriate things her dog had eaten in his lifetime after his untimely death by eating the wrong thing. I honestly hope it does not come to that. I have food and water on the porch, and come winter I guess I will reexamine my resolve, but for now he is an outdoor animal.

Things Frank has damaged/ ruined by pissing on them in the past few years:

• My new sofa
• My old sofa
• 2 upholstered chairs (one of which had to be thrown away)
• 2 suitcases
• any pile of clothes left for more than an hour on the bathroom floor
• plastic grocery bags left on the floor
• many pieces of paper (including student work, bills, legal documents, etc) which he knocked of my desk or the kitchen table then pissed on
  
• old comforter
• new comforter
• bed left with no comforter
• his favorite carpet spots in the living room over and over and over
  
• in the fire place ashes
• in the kindling box
• all over the bottom shelf of my antique bookshelf which ruined all the books on that shelf and damaged the wood on the bookcase
• in the laundry basket
• my purse left on the table
• book bags left on the floor
  

I am sure I am forgetting something, but please tell me you understand. I just can't deal with this another minute. I don't want him dead. I don't want him gone. I just want him outside where he can no longer ruin my home or the things in it.

(As a side note, it has long been suspected that since I rescued the cat from an ex-boyfriend's house that he is some sort of automaton sent to my house to reek havoc on the lives of my husband and me. Something to consider anyway. )

A Change Is Gonna Come

Today's list is prompted by seeing something that really struck me as amazing. As local residents of Sylva and surrounding areas know, our town is building a new library. They are incorporating the old courthouse into a new complex that is truly going to be beautiful upon completion. The old historic courthouse is a landmark in our town. I once heard it said that it was the most photographed courthouse in NC and I believe it. As part of the building project the crown jewel of the building, the clock tower topped with Lady Justice, is to be removed and restored. After mentioning to my mom and dad that the clock tower steeple had been taken off the courthouse top, they wanted to drive by and see it. To those of us used to seeing it every day, it is quite a shock to see the courthouse without its crown. We drove up to where the construction is going on at the back of the building, and there in the dust of new construction sat the tower. Wow! It was as if I was walking up to Lady Liberty's torch lying on the Boardwalk. I ignored the signs, and walked up to take a closer look, and a few photos. I don't know why this made such an impression on me. Was it because I was so used to seeing this against blue sky and now it lay in the dirt? Was it because it was just so close? Was it because it is another event to remind me of the many changes my little town has been through and continues to go through? So as tonight's list I offer you change...ten of them in fact.

Ten Changes Sylva NC Has Gone Through In The Past Ten Years

1. We no longer have Fourth of July fireworks at the courthouse. When I moved here, this was my favorite part about Sylva. How Main Street shut down, people lay in the street on blankets, and watched an impressive fireworks display on the steps of the courthouse which made the courthouse even more beautiful.
2. With the exception of Lulu's, O'Malley's and Spring Street, every restaurant in town is something different then when I moved here.
   
3. Only one video rental store in town instead of two.
   
4. Lowe's and Sonic moved in and Goody's moved out.
5. Bright blinky sign in front of Smoky Mountain High School.
   
6. Extra stop light by the hospital.
7. Vet and doctor have new buildings.
8. No more teacher's night at City Lights.
9. Two drive through beer stops instead of one.
10. My first apartment burned down.

I know change is inevitable, but sometimes I wish it would slow down a bit. These little changes in my town reflect the millions of little changes that happen to me and all of us every minute, every day, every year....you get the idea. So be amazed by the little things. Let the change awe you. Pay attention every day.

Labradors Only Please

As most of you know, I have a new yellow Labrador retriever puppy. I also have my dog Chili who is a black lab. I have realized in the past few days with my new puppy that I am officially breed loyal. I really like lots of breeds of dogs, but I don't ever want to own anything but a lab. I always saw those people who have the t-shirt, bumper stickers, figurines, purses, etc...and 3 or 4 of the particular breed in tow. I just thought they were nutty. I am now in danger of becoming that person. I have t-shirts, refrigerator magnets, Christmas ornaments, bumper stickers, and two of the breed in tow...and I am really OK with that. Anywho, while shopping for more Labrador stuff I came across a t-shirt with this list and thought it was one worthy of my blog o' lists. So here I present to you:

Labrador Retriever Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
4. If I take it away from you, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours.
   
6. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
7. If I saw it first, it's mine.
8. If it's edible, it's mine.
   
9. If you have something and put it down, it's mine.
10. If I chew up something, all the pieces are mine.
11. If I get tired of it, it's yours.
    
12. If I want it back, it's mine.
    

Anyone who has known a lab knows how true this is, from puppy to senior. I am having to negotiate fair toy play so that these laws are still adhered to. As a matter of fact, I need to go. There is chewing happening, lots of chewing, on things that used to be mine.

Didn't Your Parents Sing That One to You?

Long story short, my parents, along with my grandmother, were in a very bad car wreck a few days ago. Whoa whoa slow down... before you panic or start offering condolences, let me tell you that everyone is fine. No one even went to the hospital, though Granny declined the ride in the fire truck so she could ride behind the cage in the police car. Lots of winter clothes, good seat belts, Granny's force field, etc. all played a roll in the three escaping literally without a scratch. My point I guess is that regardless of who or what any of us believe saved these people so very dear to me, I am thankful that they are now home and safe. So here I offer a list of a few reasons why I love my parents. Lame, but I have to express my thankfulness in some way, and since I am not a particularly religious person, I send these thanks out to the universe at large (aka the Internet).

• As the title suggests, my parents made up songs. These are songs the whole family would sing and laugh and even make up hand motions for sometimes. These were songs I thought everyone knew, but I was mistaken. Many times in my life, as a child and as an adult, I have started singing one of these songs thinking that they were general knowledge, only to find that I was singing long, loud choruses by myself as others stared silently with wondering looks on their faces.
• I have never doubted, even once, ever, that my parents loved me. Even during the years when my dad would have referee fights between my mother and me, I knew. Even when my father was mad and looked "frog eye" style at me while crushing my hand, I knew. Even when I hid in the barn because I was convinced I had killed my brother, I knew. Even when I showed up in the middle of the night and could not stop crying for hours, I knew they would not care I had waken them up. I know there are children who truly doubt or question how their parents feel about them, but I don't. Never.
• They always allowed pets. Rabbit Redford to Goldie. Skooterpie to Pepper. They laughed and cried with my brother and me through every pet we had as kids...and there were lots.
  
• My parents have an amazing marriage. A marriage that has survived ups and downs and is full of love and laughter and life. I have always held their relationship up as an example of what I hope mine would be. Now I am married to a man who is so much like my dad that it scares me sometimes. They say every girl wants to marry a man like her father (and I am a lot like my mom), but I think for me it is more an homage to both my parents, to their relationship and my faith in what marriage can be that I learned from watching them.
• My parents took us places. As far back as I can remember I have been traveling with my family. Being a teacher now, and coming into contact with so many children I am learning more and more that the sheer amount of travel we did, and still do, is not the usual. From visiting family out of state, to traveling to state and local parks, to traveling across America...my parents took Aaron and me places.
• They decided to adopt. My brother rocks. Enough said.

There are truly a million reasons, but these are a few that I think make my parents stand out. Maybe someday I'll be a parent, and maybe I won't. I don't know what the future holds. But I do know that I see the influences of their parenting is so many things my brother and I do every day. So to the universe, to the powers that be, to whatever cosmic force (or farce) paired my little life with Dale and Sue Metz, I say thanks. LOVE LOVE LOVE

Three Point Plan

Yesterday, I was married. For the second time. I did not write vows the first time and wished I had. So this time I wrote them and read them so as not to make any mistakes. So as my friends and family and I all sobbed through my reading, I knew I had done the right thing. So for those who couldn't be here, I invite you to share this little moment of the wedding with us.

Because I am a planner, I looked at many hokey wedding websites for advice in writing vows. I answered endless questions about the past, present, and future of my relationship with you trying to figure out what to say. And as I read back over it all there were three things that kept coming up, my holy trinity of sorts. First was that you make me laugh everyday. I need that laughter like I need air and water. Everything negative swirling around me just evaporates when we laugh together. Second was that you make me feel so safe. For so many years, I have not felt safe; physically, emotionally safe. With you I have a home where I feel that safety so completely I can finally relax enough to live a life I can be proud of. Last was that you feel the same way I do about the things that matter most. You understand about loving and spending time with the family you have, and even creating a kind of family amongst friends. You understand and enjoy having a house full of animals. There are so many things that I love about you, so many reasons I want to marry you, but they all seem to come to this...

I promise I will laugh with you every day.

I promise I will always be your home.

I promise I will always be your family.

Others Love Lists Too

In case you didn't know, my sweetheart is a writer. He is a writer who is always looking for more connections, more writing jobs, and more experiences and ideas to write about. One of his latest ventures has been applying for an internship with Dave Egger's publishing company McSweeney's. After Jason answered the "Who is Dave Eggers?" question for me, I became intrigued and picked up a few of his books from around the house and read bit and pieces. My discovery is that I love the McSweeney's anthology books. Why? Becasue they love lists like I do. I'm a little mad that during our discussion, Jason failed to mention that Dave Eggers has such a beautiful head of hair...but I am thankful he introduced me to the books. So my old love of lists and my new love of McSweeney's brings me to give you the following. Lifted affectionately from the book Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans. This list is simple and perfect, especially in light of my career.

Schoolyard Games for Unpopular Children
Greg Knauss

Hide 'n' Be Lonely

Goose, Goose, Goose

Teeter

Unhappy-Go-Round

Kick the Can, Over and Over Again, Angrily

Studio Apartment

Very Easy Tag

Fighting the Battle of Wounded Knee

I am a danger to myself. Not in the I-can't-take-it anymore-I'm-going-to jump-off-a-cliff way, but a danger none the less. In fact, if there was a cliff involved in my death it would be me tripping on some insignificant speck of dirt and plummeting to the earth below with a muffed "puff" sound at the bottom. Likewise I would never slit my wrist, but might slip with the knife while slicing a squash and bleed to death before anyone came home. I would never hang myself, but I would get fatally tangled in the sheets hanging on the clothesline, slip on the wet grass and strangle myself. All accidental incidents of course. All because I am a klutz. Right now I am sitting on the couch enjoying some RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) on my scabby bruised knee from when I slipped and fell in a parking lot early yesterday. The same leg also has a large scratch from when I scraped my calf on the tag on the front of my car, a chunk out of my ankle from catching it with an unclipped fingernail, and most of the skin missing from the top of m big toe from stubbing it repeatedly. I sprained my opposite knee earlier in the week at the gym and again later that night dancing.

Now you may say I am just feeling sorry for myself because of recent injuries, but let me assure you, this is a reoccurring theme in my life. I was a child always covered in band-aids. As a girl, I knew I was clumsy, but just thought it was because I was newly long-limbed and that as I got older I would become familiar with my limbs in a way that allow me to control them enough to avoid injury and maybe even appear graceful. But alas, it was not to be. I dreamed of dancing and took ballet classes. My teacher actually told me I was the worst she had seen and created a sit-down role in the Nutcracker just for me, a fact which my mother still laughs about. Jason loves to say of his life that he has just gone from one awkward stage to the next. A sentiment I can really identify with.

Sure, everyone is a little clumsy now and again, but I truly believe myself to be unique in both frequency and severity. I would also like to make the point that I do not engage in any purposefully "EXTREME!" activities which cause me to have a higher occurrence of these injuries. As evidence I present the following list of graceless moves.

• On Mother's day when I was about 11 I was riding my bike slowly and directly in front of my house. I suddenly crashed for no apparent reason in to my little brother standing near by. He did not have a scratch. I had a huge cut under my eye (9 stitches), asphalt burn on my knees and one shoulder, cut and bloodied both lips and was later told that had I not been wearing my braces, I would have lost my 4 front teeth. Not long after, I had to have a root canal on one of the teeth because of the accident. The tooth is still discolored.
  
• Playing hide-and-seek in school I was hiding under some cubbies. When I jumped out to reveal myself I went up instead of forward and the coat hook went right into the top of my head. (4 stitches)
• Crashed into a bike rack trying to park my bike. Flipped over the handle bars and put a bolt into the bottom of my chin. (3 stitches)
• Flipped over in a tube at Deep Creek and bruised my arm on a rock. It was black from my elbow to my wrist.
• Dropped a table directly onto my big toe. No stitches, but they had to put on this fake skin/nail stuff because my entire nail came off in the waiting room and they couldn't get it to stop bleeding. You can clearly see this in my wedding photos.
  
• Stabbed my palm with a steak knife.
• Sliced my finger when I broke a glass. Especially fun because the doctor had to use forceps to dig around in my open cut to check for glass before stitching me up. (4 stitches)
  
• Slip regularly in the water my dog leaves around his bowl and end up bruised on the kitchen floor. Done it so often I'm starting to get good at it. Last time I slipped I had a full bowl of pasta in my hand and did not spill a single noodle.
• On the sidewalk outside Scully's I tripped over my own feet and could not recover before diving onto the sidewalk. A car actually stopped to make sure I was alright.
• Got my foot caught between two risers during a performance of my school chorus and fell between them halfway through a song. Had a bruise from my thigh to my knee. (Another one my mom and dad are still laughing about.)
  

This is not a complete list of course. There are countless stories my friends and family love to tell of my trips, falls and slides. It does not include the daily head, knee, elbow, and head bumps. And I have not, to date, had any broken bones or overnight hospital stays. (Knock on wood. Of course if I do knock on wood I will surely get a splinter or bruised knuckles.) But I am wondering if there will be a time when I am injury free? Clumsiness is often associated with the young and the old. Where do I fit in? I have to go. My ice pack is melting and my pillow needs fluffing. Wish me luck.