I am a danger to myself. Not in the I-can't-take-it anymore-I'm-going-to jump-off-a-cliff way, but a danger none the less. In fact, if there was a cliff involved in my death it would be me tripping on some insignificant speck of dirt and plummeting to the earth below with a muffed "puff" sound at the bottom. Likewise I would never slit my wrist, but might slip with the knife while slicing a squash and bleed to death before anyone came home. I would never hang myself, but I would get fatally tangled in the sheets hanging on the clothesline, slip on the wet grass and strangle myself. All accidental incidents of course. All because I am a klutz. Right now I am sitting on the couch enjoying some RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) on my scabby bruised knee from when I slipped and fell in a parking lot early yesterday. The same leg also has a large scratch from when I scraped my calf on the tag on the front of my car, a chunk out of my ankle from catching it with an unclipped fingernail, and most of the skin missing from the top of m big toe from stubbing it repeatedly. I sprained my opposite knee earlier in the week at the gym and again later that night dancing.
Now you may say I am just feeling sorry for myself because of recent injuries, but let me assure you, this is a reoccurring theme in my life. I was a child always covered in band-aids. As a girl, I knew I was clumsy, but just thought it was because I was newly long-limbed and that as I got older I would become familiar with my limbs in a way that allow me to control them enough to avoid injury and maybe even appear graceful. But alas, it was not to be. I dreamed of dancing and took ballet classes. My teacher actually told me I was the worst she had seen and created a sit-down role in the Nutcracker just for me, a fact which my mother still laughs about. Jason loves to say of his life that he has just gone from one awkward stage to the next. A sentiment I can really identify with.
Sure, everyone is a little clumsy now and again, but I truly believe myself to be unique in both frequency and severity. I would also like to make the point that I do not engage in any purposefully "EXTREME!" activities which cause me to have a higher occurrence of these injuries. As evidence I present the following list of graceless moves.
- On Mother's day when I was about 11 I was riding my bike slowly and directly in front of my house. I suddenly crashed for no apparent reason in to my little brother standing near by. He did not have a scratch. I had a huge cut under my eye (9 stitches), asphalt burn on my knees and one shoulder, cut and bloodied both lips and was later told that had I not been wearing my braces, I would have lost my 4 front teeth. Not long after, I had to have a root canal on one of the teeth because of the accident. The tooth is still discolored.
- Playing hide-and-seek in school I was hiding under some cubbies. When I jumped out to reveal myself I went up instead of forward and the coat hook went right into the top of my head. (4 stitches)
- Crashed into a bike rack trying to park my bike. Flipped over the handle bars and put a bolt into the bottom of my chin. (3 stitches)
- Flipped over in a tube at Deep Creek and bruised my arm on a rock. It was black from my elbow to my wrist.
- Dropped a table directly onto my big toe. No stitches, but they had to put on this fake skin/nail stuff because my entire nail came off in the waiting room and they couldn't get it to stop bleeding. You can clearly see this in my wedding photos.
- Stabbed my palm with a steak knife.
- Sliced my finger when I broke a glass. Especially fun because the doctor had to use forceps to dig around in my open cut to check for glass before stitching me up. (4 stitches)
- Slip regularly in the water my dog leaves around his bowl and end up bruised on the kitchen floor. Done it so often I'm starting to get good at it. Last time I slipped I had a full bowl of pasta in my hand and did not spill a single noodle.
- On the sidewalk outside Scully's I tripped over my own feet and could not recover before diving onto the sidewalk. A car actually stopped to make sure I was alright.
- Got my foot caught between two risers during a performance of my school chorus and fell between them halfway through a song. Had a bruise from my thigh to my knee. (Another one my mom and dad are still laughing about.)
