Riddled With Insecurities

Every person on the planet, no matter what they say or how they act, has some area of insecurity. Some are rational, some are irrational, but for the most part nothing anyone can say will change these insecurities. I have two friends, one male one female, who I think are two of the most physically beautiful people I have ever known. However, neither one of them thinks they are attractive and constantly worry that they are unattractive to the opposite sex. What can be done to resolve these insecurities? Myself, I am riddled with insecurities. My hair, my weight, my feet, my weight, my skin, my weight, my intelligence, my weight..did I mention my weight?

Since the age of about 23 I have been battling my weight. I had always been a tall skinny girl. I was 5'9'' in 6th grade. I was 115 pounds when I was 21 and wearing a size six. By the time I graduated from college at age 29 I was over 200 pounds, wearing a 22. About 2 years ago I decided to do something serious about my weight. I was motivated! I had willpower! I lost a total of 46 pounds in less than 9 months. I looked great and more importantly, felt great. My sex drive came back, I could wear cute clothes again, I felt beautiful and confident.

Now, having put back on 30 pounds of what I lost initially, I am back to having every shitty insecurity return. I cannot wear my clothes. I cannot stop craving sweets or get off the couch most nights. I also cannot stop being upset about how I feel and look. I have even had dreams about running, feeling my body, my legs moving, feet pounding. Yet I continue on my sluggish destructive path. So here is my to do list...and my not to do list. I hope it will serve as an inspiration to me somehow. I feel stupid and weak even writing this down. Just do it...right?! Goddamnit!!! Why can't I just take care of myself??? Okay, I'm done whining. Done ranting about something I can change but won't, or don't.

Things that make me gain weight:

• Sneaking sweets all day long (at least a candy bar a day)
• Sitting on the couch
• Taking anti-depressants and birth control pills
• More pasta and bread and less meat
  

Things that make me lose weight:

• Not eating ANY sweets
• Working out at Curves at least 4 days a week
• Yogurt for breakfast and salad for lunch
• Running