My Anti- Anniversary

Today is September 25th, 2008. That means I have been divorced exactly one year.

The day I got legally divorced was one of the worst days of my life. I waited patiently most of the day in a freezing courtroom until they called me to the stand. I cried as I read from the divorce paperwork detailing and justifying our separation. He was not there. No one was there. Just me. Afterwords I cried in my car, hard and long. Then I drove immediately to my favorite corner bar and told the bartender all my troubles as he served me martini after martini. Finally a good friend came and paid my tab and drove me home.

Divorcing my husband was the hardest decision I have ever made. Deciding to marry him was easy because I had wanted to be married to him for so many years before we actually decided on it. But I guess I knew it was wrong from the start. He never proposed, just agreed. We had a history of problems through out our relationship. We were very codependent and each enabled the others habits. I hoped being married would change or fix our relationship. I was very wrong.

But for the record, I did love him. For all his faults, and all his bad habits, for many years I loved that man. Even now, thinking about him makes me so sad. For a million reasons it should make me pissed off, angry, irrational, and filled with pure hate. But I just feel a deep and dark sorrow hanging on a hanger at the back of my brain's closet.

I have more to say, but am not sure how. I am having a hard time finding a way to end it...